by Lewis Napper
We, the Sensible People
We, the sensible people of these United States, in an attempt to help everyone to get
along with each other, to restore some semblance of justice, to avoid any more riots, to
keep our nation safe, to promote positive behavior, and to secure the blessings of
debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, do hereby try once
more to ordain and establish some common-sense guidelines for the terminally whiny,
guilt-ridden, delusional, and other blame-happy bed-wetters.
We hold this truth to be self-evident: The original Bill of Rights has confused
so many people that we now require a Bill of No Rights.
- You do not have the right to a new car, a big-screen color TV, or any other form
of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing
- You do not have the right to be free from "feeling offended".
This country's founding philosophy is freedom, and that means freedom for all, and not
just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, and
so forth, but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
- You do not have the right to be free from self-inflicted harm. If you stick a
screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful! Do not expect the tool manufacturer to
make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy.
- You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most
charitable people in this world, and will gladly help anyone in need. However, we are
quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch
potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional
- You do not have the right to free health care. It might sound nice, but when we
look at public housing, we lose interest in public health care.
- You do not have the right physically to harm other people. If you kidnap, rape,
intentionally maim or kill someone, do not be surprised if the rest of us get together and
- You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or
coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, do not be surprised if the rest of us
get together and lock you away. In prison, you still will not have the right to a
big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.
- You do not have the right to a job. All of us want you to have one, and will
gladly help you along in hard times. However, we expect you to take advantage of the
opportunities in education and vocational training already laid before you to make
- You do not have the right to government-guaranteed happiness. Being an
American means that you simply have the right to pursue happiness, which is a lot
easier when you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws!