In an unprecedented move, the Department of Justice yesterday filed an antitrust lawsuit against Christianity for its monopoly on religion in the U.S. marketplace. Attorney General Janet Reno defended the lawsuit, saying, "For too long, Christianity has been the dominant religion in the United States. It is time to give the smaller religions a fair chance."

Although the provisions of the Sherman Antitrust act historically have not applied to businesses which win their monopolies through fair business practices, the DOJ alleges that Christianity is illegally using sales of its best-selling book, The Bible, to prevent users from trying other products, and of refusing an earlier DOJ order compelling Christianity to work with all other religions to standardize its interface and make it compatible with other beliefs.

"Right there in its User's Manual, Christianity tells its users, 'Thou shalt have no other God before me,'" Reno pointed out. "If that's not a monopoly, I don't know what is."

Christianity is also accused by some critics of using its dominance of the marketplace to take over the afterlife, but the DOJ has not yet filed a suit pertaining to those allegations, pending a series of Senate hearings to determine whether the DOJ has jurisdiction over the afterlife of U.S. citizens. The lawsuit was filed after months of meetings between Reno and representatives of Christianity's competitors, including the Mormon Church, whose Book of Mormon has been unable to get a strong foothold among believers in spite of a series of television commercials which pitched it as a "sequel" to The Bible; and Islam, which claims that Christianity's pre-existing dominance in the U.S. market has unfairly prevented consumer acceptance of its book, The Koran, which many believe to be a superior product.

Many insiders have alleged that Christianity has never made a better product, but that its marketing techniques and strong-arm tactics have allowed it to dominate the lucrative religion market. Also joining forces in the conglomerate against Christianity are the Wiccans, who allege that Christianity has illegally limited the growth of their religion since the early 1600s by such strong-arm tactics as burning its users at the stake; and a guy from Texas named Bob, who claims that his religion, Bobbism, and other small offshoot religions are unfairly denied the opportunity for growth because of Christianity's dominance. Although Satanism reportedly was not invited to join the conglomerate, sources say that flamboyant Satanism chief Lucifer, a long-time nemesis of Christianity since he was thrown out of the organization and formed his own rival company, was seen chuckling darkly and rubbing his hands in glee as he watched CNN reports detailing the DOJ's actions.

Consumer advocate Ralph Nader, a long time opponent of monopolies, is planning a summit to be called "Dominating Oppression: Does Christianity Have a Stranglehold on Guilt?" next week in New York City. Nader invited God, Christianity's eccentric and mysterious Chairman and CEO, to attend the summit and answer questions from participants, but God reportedly declined the invitation in a message delivered to Nader in a dream, saying the summit was nothing more than an attempt to crucify Christianity, not an open forum for debate.

An unidentified source reports that God did offer to send his son, Jesus, or even a burning bush, to represent him at the summit, but Nader declined the substitution, saying, "We want the big guy himself or no one at all. For God to offer to send his son or some shrubbery to represent him rather than showing his face at the summit himself is just an insult to the consumer. What is he afraid of?"

Insiders note that much of God's mystery and allure stem from the fact that no one has ever seen his face, and that if God attended the summit in person he might lose his crucial hold on Christianity's users, many of whom are already disenchanted with the numerous inconsistencies in the company's products.

"For God to show his face would be tantamount to unmasking the Lone Ranger, or seeing the members of KISS without their makeup," said a source inside God's organization who asked not to be identified. "He just wouldn't have the same allure after that."

New York City Mayor Rudolph Guiliani reportedly breathed a sigh of relief when told that God had declined the invitation to make an appearance in New York. "Can you imagine the traffic jam that would cause?" he said. "Why, when we had the Pope here back in 1995, traffic was backed up on FDR drive for hours to let the Pope-mobile through. Just think of what God coming through on a chariot of fire would do to rush hour. New Yorkers don't need that kind of headache."

This page was last updated 07/02/00 01:50 PM