President Clinton Signs the
Americans With No Abilities Act
WASHINGTON, DC--On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act,
sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million
The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage, is being
hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of U.S. citizens who lack any
real skills or uses.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own--do not possess
the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said
Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. "Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences
of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling
mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms
that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of nonabled Americans, the American
dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million important-sounding
"middle man" positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled
persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory,
non-performance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of
upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.
The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire nonabled workers,
including tax breaks
for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented hirees.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to
prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning prospective employers from asking
such job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and
"Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?"
"As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers
who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as an
unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack
of notable skills. "This new law should really help people like me."
With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions of other
untalented, inessential citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to provide
each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack of value to society, some
sort of space to take up in this great nation."